Anger and self care

Saturday, my husband wanted to choose where we go out. I can't blame him he's been eating around me for 2 months. So we went to Logans Roadhouse, if you recall one of my hot spots before being a Vegan. I thought sure I can do this! Yet, between vegan and IC I was pretty far up a creek as choices on the menu goes.

So while sitting across from my hubby and his big bacon burger, and my son with his chicken tenders and BBQ sauce....

I read the menu to find no vegan protein options, no beans of any kind on the menu. So I ate peanuts, and worried about the salt (too much salt causes more pain for the IC). I wanted a salad, and thought I had them take off the non-vegan toppings but forgot about the bacon bits. Tried to scrap them off. Asked for dressing which is another IC no no and not exactly vegan either. I just didn't want to eat plain ice burg lettuce, ya know. sigh I took a few bite and realized either way not worth it. Gave my salad to my husband.

I order the rice pilaf, another mistake. Must have been a box mix, it was so salty and tasted of bouillon, the rice was broken down and melted in my mouth (quick starch) not like whole grain rice that you have to chew. The mushrooms were good, the sweet potato I had to send back they put Carmel on it way too much sugar that way. So basically eating vegan and IC safe at Logan's was a bust. I pretended I was happy and full, and enjoyed being with my men. :-)

It wasn't long after we got home that even those few bad bites, and salt peanuts where making me pay with extra pain. grrr I was angry. I put two kinds of beans out for soaking over night, and some millet to soak. To ensure I had something started for the new week.

Sunday I woke up more determined to make myself well. I printed up the most recent IC list and looking through my frig and pantry for foods that sooth the bladder. Yeah! More limitations. (sarcastically she exclaims)

Squash made the list of soothers. I do love squash! :-)

Squash soup is about the easiest food in the world to make! I started with breakfast though, made millet/squash porridge. I tried the white miso thinking because it was sweeter it would still be IC friendly, not. It messed me up for a few hours after it got into my system, so all miso is out for now! Akkkkk! This is going to be so frustrating because Miso I so love and it helps my digestion with all these veggies!

I did enjoy the millet with kombo, and celery also added it. I will just have to make it w/o white miso for a while.

Anyhow so squash soup soothes, and I made a big pot with the left over squash. Only took half of it to make a nice sized pot. It's just cubed pieces, water, cooking, mashing, a tiny bit of shoyu simmer, eat! It's so sweet and warm, fresh. It made me a little happier.

For dinner Sunday night my husband went to buy him and the boys groceries, I was pretty sick with my IC and didn't need to wear myself out more shopping for foods I don't eat anyhow. He was sweet and bought me an Amy's Vegan pizza. It had a few not so IC friendly things in it, so I took several preliefs and the a baking soda chaser to neutralize the acidic ingredients and hoped that would be OK, I needed something to go right. I was back on benedryl and pain relief already, still not doing that great.

Monday morning I had the drive to my sisters and day to spend with her. She's been released from bed rest and her rib has healed, but she's now able to go into labor at any time. With my nephew needing constant care though none of us want her to be alone if she goes into labor. He's not really been away from his Mom, and she from him. I crawled around the floor part of the day following his adventures. He's so into everything now I love this age! He's two...

At any rate, I packed left over porridge, squash soup, asuki beans, and mixed rice I had all made on Sunday, and my bottle water, medicines, camera. I was set to go. Hit the road. I did pretty well, until she drove through McD's after grocery shopping. I sat in the car with Braden (having been a mico premie he is not around other people yet) . I decided that a small fry wouldn't hurt. Dang it! too much salt and my med's wore off at the same time. So all day I was good until the hour long drive home I was miserable!

I think to myself why? did I cave. I think I get really angry because I see 'skinny' people eat things all the time. ya know, they don't think twice about that little fry, or doughnut they eat now and then. For me it's every little thing? Why did I eat that? What was I feeling? Will it make me sick? I was so mad on the way home I pulled off the interstate and was going to get a doughnut out of shear rebellion! then I crossed traffic and just got back on the interstate and went home. Just mad, just mad about the whole thing, but I had suddenly realized I've been doing this for 2 whole months now! I also though why treat myself badly because I'm mad?

So I made it home, had a little vanilla bean coconut milk ice cream, and left over udon noodles. Hot bath and bed.

Today I'm better. I'm still mad that one fry or one doughnut makes such an issue inside of me, that I feel guilty if I have one treat, and that it makes me feel like less of person than someone else. That people look at someone over weight and think bad of them if they are eating something sweet. I know I eat better than lots of people, I even did before I went vegan. I had made lots of changes, organic, farm fresh, etc, etc.... nothing has helped me get weight off to date. Last night my husband asked me how I was (referring to my IC) when I got home and I had a little tantrum. lol He was nice about it, I ranted. I'm two months in, even my son Harrisen now has had to have his jeans waste band go from the loosest to the tightest. Me now that I'm in flare I'm completely swollen and can't tell I've ever lost an ounce.  It's so beyond frustrating! The IC prevents me from being able to work out in a way that will help me loose weight. I feel so stuck! breathe! sigh

OK so there you go the ugly truth of me feeling sorry for myself. ha Big hug for you! for even reading my rants. LOL ;-) I'll be good, for me it's to the point of this is it. This is where I'm at and even if eating this way doesn't get me to where I really want to go, it will keep me going longer and better than any other route. So there is no giving up or feeling this is optional. Nope this is my life and this is what I need to do to live it.

I'm not sure what I'm eating today, but it will be good choices and photo's will follow.  Have a good one.