Bad habits

So you've not heard from me in weeks. I've not had time even yet to process personal photos' of meals, although to be honest there has not been much cooking going on around here. We've gone to farmers market and had to toss out unused food many times in the past month. Good intentions, gone to waste.

I've eaten out mostly, and sometimes it's vegan, sometimes vegetarian, and some times I have shrimp or chicken. Mostly I've fallen into all my old habits, only with a veggie twist. Skipping breakfast 80% of the time, super late lunch/early dinner at some restaurant after I've realized I feel like crap and can't go on and don't have enough energy to make a meal. So basically a single actual meal once a day, and then ending up snacking on something not great at night. The kitchen's a mess all the time from the kids getting whatever they want and leaving me the mess, and I just haven't had the organized time to deal with the slipping away of everything I've been working for.

Emotions, they've always been a problem for me. If I had a switch like Data on New Generation I'd be set! lol So my switch? Yep of course at a young age I found one that worked. A single can of coke and bag of m&m's.

OK so your thinking, so what? Big deal? For me it's a very big deal. This single bad habit has shaped my life, how I cope and deal. For some it's a cigarette, a few cans of beer, a dozen doughnuts, or worse whatever it is, it's that thing you physically rely on to shut down and keep going in one fell swoop. This is mine. I can stop feeling all the things in my heart and head swirling around me in this life we lead. Those little & big problems things you have no control over, mistakes coming back on you when you thought you were doing your best, grief, anger, overwhelm, whatever it is, and all of it. Sometimes you have to shut it down and keep going on with the day to day, be in the now and get the work accomplished.

So it started this week, the physical ramification's of this bad habit. One it's a large amount of sugar especially considering I was going w/o any sugar for months. Two, it feeds my other health issues exactly what they need to start my body into crisis. I started having back pain yesterday, and last night I slept through the pain out of exhaustion, but woke up at 5:30AM barely able to move. I've had two pain pills a hot bath, and been blogging in my head before I even opened my eyes. ha

My boys are going to school on Monday. This is a huge change for us, and they both want to go. The emotions I've been feeling for this change have been intense. Then of course you get opinions on your decisions, some in favor some against, you have your own thoughts of what this all means and what it might mean. My heads been spinning, my heart realing and it's too exhausting,... at some point you have to let it go and get back to this is today and I'm doing my best.

So I started relying on old habits on a daily basis about 10-14 days ago. Of course the opening for this habit came when I went Flexitarian for my son's sake, because we already know about Pandora's box.

Where to go from here? Of course the only place to go is through, and through for me will mean a week or more of intense withdrawal from the caffeine and sugar, I've known it was coming and have kept putting it off, tomorrow I'll start, and then well I need to keep going a little longer, after this hurtle, no this one......

Then of course I always knew if I didn't do it on my own my body would have enough and not allow itself to be beaten up for the sake of my head and heart. Hit the wall isn't that what they call it in a marathon? I've hit my wall, my body is mad it's had enough of this silly childhood destructive habit.

So here I go,... I'm here now and my best way out is to get accountable again. To blog, to release the truth even if some think a simple coke and bag of M's is no biggy. Maybe it wouldn't be for any other purpose, but it's for a shut off switch - coping mechanism then all it represents is a weakness of being, a crutch, and crutches cause bruises, aches, pains, imbalance.

Today is pay day, I have school supplies and clothes to buy. We'll be out and about today getting those things done. I'll probably be miserable with my back, and want a coke really really bad. So lets see do I choose, I'll deal with this tomorrow and have one before the day is out? Honestly I can't say yet. It's easy for me to think once the boys are in school I can put myself first again? At any rate, Monday is my deadline to restart my goals w/o being really mad at my own weaknesses.

I am going to commit to a blog a day until I get this all on track. So read you soon. ;-) Hope your weekend plans are ones your excited about!

Flexitarian??

Flexitarian

Well OK so I've not been here, for me or for you. I've been here for my family, and all the crazy things going on with us, and it's been too much for me of late. I've been a total flexitarian/flirt the past few weeks. I have Vegan days, and not so Vegan days, I've even been extremely bad and had a couple Coke Cola's. So even a little sugar has crept into my diet.

I'm also though still shopping at the farmers market and eating good things. Just have NOT had the time and not been able to steal the time for being my committed to Veganism self! It's disappointing, but not the end. ;-)

We are putting our youngest in public school in a few weeks, and possibly our middle son as well. This has been a HUGE decision and will be a mega change for us all. He's always wanted to go, so there is that. In this direction of doing whats best for my youngest I've let my Vegan commitment slide so he could regain his balance in his own food choices. He is now a total flexitarian and eating a much needed wider variety of foods. WHEW. Once he is in school I can again be a very committed vegan w/o worrying that he will start feeling guilty for his food choices and wanting to copy me and end up starving again.

He watches my every move and I've just had to act like whatever I eat I'm good with. Honestly since my changes were never moral ones, I have been OK with eating some meats and dairy. Now though I see the light at the end of this muddled tunnel. Once he is in school I'll have more time, and the freedom to not be overly influencing his guilty gene, and I can get BACK on track! I really really really miss being total vegan and superhero at that! So part of me has just been well ashamed to even blog that I had a taco or piece of chicken. It's not every inspiring for either of us.

One bright light in all of this is that my lovely daughter has not wavered from the vegan path we began together. Not once! She is my hero! I'm so proud of her and she looks and feels wonderful. :-) Thank goodness my changes haven't thrown her off track. I can't wait to be vegan partners with her again. Well that's all for now.